I Remember. And Then I Smile.


I have a love/hate relationship with my DVR.  I absolutely love the fact that I don’t have to be home every Thursday at 8 p.m. to watch the newest episode of Bones.  Or if there are two shows on at the same time that I want to watch, I can watch one and record the other to watch later.  That way I have a lot more freedom in my evenings that I would normally want to plan around television shows.  If I want to turn off the TV for the evening and just revel in the silence, then I can do that and not have to worry about missing my favorites.

The hate part comes along when I have a day of nothing planned but cleaning and cooking and doing work around the house and instead of doing all that, I decide to sit down and start “catching up” on all my shows.  While the flexibility of the DVR allows me to do the things I want to in through the week and other times like that, it leads to some very unproductive days when I could be doing a lot better things with my time.

My friends and I were having lunch the other day and one of them was talking about how much he loved his new DVR.  He loved it so much so that sometimes in life during a conversation or during certain circumstances, that he found himself looking for the remote to rewind or fast-forward buttons, sometimes to relive the situation and sometimes to redo or get it over with (I’m paraphrasing).

Today would have been my cousin, Christopher’s, 26th birthday.  Last Memorial Day he lost his battle with leukemia.  Today I’ve kind of found myself hitting the rewind button in my mind and pictures keep coming across.  All he an my brother and his younger brother ever wanted to do was wear camouflage and play flashlight tag.  Out where we lived surrounded by corn fields and no lighting other than the moon and stars, you can imagine they were pretty hard to see.  I remember the picture vividly of all three of them in their camouflage and their purple water guns all sitting in the apple tree in our yard.  Priceless.  I remember the excitement of the visits down to Kentucky to where they lived.  I loved love the hills of Kentucky.

Sometimes hitting the rewind button on a day like today is good.  I remember.  And then I smile.  Chris was a good man, and he lived his life.  He was a certified physical trainer in peak condition.  He wrote a book that was reviewed here (one of my biggest dreams).  In this review the guy quoted him, saying:

“I don’t know anything except that being afraid to find out is not the way I want to be. We live in a world where we have been taught to suppress rather than to express. So many times life is lived completely repressed. But when you live a repressed life, do you really live at all?” ~ Chris Crowell

I try to only hit the rewind button to remember the good things.  All too often, though, it happens, and I’m drawn back into a bad scenario or a hurtful conversation and it all comes back…the bitterness and the anger and the hurt.  The longer I stay in those bad rewinds, the deeper the depression gets.  Is that really living?

There are also some things that I really don’t want to have to deal with and I find myself daydreaming about what’s coming up next.  I’m sitting there not enjoying where God has placed me at that very moment, but instead almost worshiping where I want Him to lead me.  Is that really living?

Even though Chris only got to live out 25 years on this earth, he lived them fully.

I want to live like that.

No excuses.

No regrets.

So while today I’ve been living in rewind, it was good.  I remember love, and I remember laughter.  I remember.  And then I smile.

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About Julie

I'm just a girl struggling to find my place in this world like everyone else. Everywhere I look in my life and the lives of those I love I see God's love, whether it's in good times or bad. God's grace is here, it's amazing and He is totally in love with us!
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