Learning About Myself…Ugh…


Some days when I sit down to write I’ve heard an excellent song on the radio and feel the desire to share it.  Some days something good/bad has happened and I feel the desire to share.  Most days, though, I’ve done something incredibly stupid and feel like the world would be a better place if you all could laugh with me.  Tonight it really wasn’t any of those situations.  I just decided I needed to blog more so tonight was the night to start.

You’re welcome.

You know, I have a really hard time with compassion.  I just don’t experience the feeling very much.  Children, I have compassion for.  They can’t help it.  If you’re being stupid, I have a really hard time feeling any sort of compassion for you.  Yes, I can take a little deeper look into a life and maybe realize that there are a lot of things stacked against a person.  Sometimes that helps.  But, honestly, if it’s annoying me, I really just want to tell a person to suck it up.  Seriously.   We’ve all heard the awesome stories of those who have overcome, and I think, Well, you can overcome this.  You just have to make the better decisions.  People do it all the time.  Suck it up.

Go ahead.  Say it.  I’m a horrible person.

The fact of the matter is, is that if I really take a long look at myself (which I usually try hard not to do) I’m not really that different.  I’ve got certain struggles that I deal with every day that I can’t seem to make the better choices for myself…example: getting on the stinking bike this evening.

By not getting on the bike tonight I would be saying that I’m totally comfortable being Fatty McFatterson.  And even if I’m not totally comfortable being the aforementioned character, then I’m saying that it’s just to hard and I’m completely incapable of making the decision that’s best for me.  Some days I totally feel like doing that…and I have compassion for myself.  Of course, when I keep making stupid decisions, I feel like I need compassion.  Thankfully, I have friends who will give me a swift kick in the butt.

Maybe it’s the way I was raised?  Oh, you fell down?  Get back up.  You hurt your finger?  Let me kiss it and make it better.  Now, get back out there and try again.  Maybe it was working in the legal system for 7 years and watching people try to manipulate it and other people that made me cynical.  Who knows.

I started writing this blog to help me to see the things that I don’t want to see that I’m selling my birthright for and to start dealing with them.  What in the world was I thinking?  I like becoming aware of who I was, who I am and who I want to be.  Sometimes I wish it was a little easier to learn.

There’s a blog I read regularly that totally kicked my butt this week.  She calls herself The Very Worst Missionary.  I don’t believe it.  Every time she writes it causes me to take a look at myself, which as I mentioned above, I’m not too fond of.  Check her out.  What she caused me to think about is these people that I have so little compassion for aren’t any different from me.  They’re just struggling through this world, just like me, and looking for Jesus.  Maybe that’s where I come in.  Maybe they make a stupid decision with money.  I make a stupid decision with food.  I don’t care what it is.  I’m praying for my heart to change.  I’m praying for compassion, not just for those that I deem worthy, but those who need it.

“Not so with you.  Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28.

So tonight I’m gonna get my big butt up on that bike.  I might even pull out the Wii for a little while.  Tonight I’m not going to sell out.  I’m not going to be who I was.  Tonight I’m going to be me, one who was created by the Creator Himself to be who He wants me to be.

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About Julie

I'm just a girl struggling to find my place in this world like everyone else. Everywhere I look in my life and the lives of those I love I see God's love, whether it's in good times or bad. God's grace is here, it's amazing and He is totally in love with us!
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One Response to Learning About Myself…Ugh…

  1. Pingback: A Life Well Lived | The Esau Project

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