Have you ever just felt yourself kinda sinking? Not the good kind of sinking either. Just slowly slipping? First it’s one thing, and then all of a sudden you turn around and you’re right back where you started? Well, I guess you can’t ever be exactly right back where you started, but one step forward and two steps back might be more fitting.
It hasn’t been one major thing, but more like just a bunch of little things that I’ve sold out to. We’ve been swamped at work and all I want to do when I get home is stay home and curl up and not do anything and not see anyone. My back has hurt for the past month, and I haven’t been able to work out, so I’ve started gaining some weight back. Because I started gaining weight back, I’ve been a little more free with my diet. Example: Tonight I had a quarter pound burger and fries and a coke from Dairy Queen AND a small chocolate extreme Blizzard.
A couple nights ago I heard sirens out in my neighborhood. That doesn’t happen very often. In fact, when I saw the ambulance and fire truck go by on the next road over, it took me back to the last time I remember sirens in my neck of the woods…the morning my nephew died. I couldn’t help it. The flashbacks just started coming back to that horrible morning nine years ago. Man, it doesn’t seem like it should be nine years, but next month it will be exactly that. Honestly it doesn’t matter how long it’s been, that wound was fresh that night. I was instantly back in that place…and it sucked.
The next morning I woke up knowing what the sirens were for and knowing that my family was safe, but I also realized that I had slipped back. I had let my guard down and the depression, the staying home and avoiding people, the eating and the not working out…I was right back in that place longing for an easy way out but realizing that this journey wasn’t going to be easy.
I was talking to a friend tonight, and we were just talking about my issues and the place I was at. She point blank asked me, as I had asked her a couple weeks prior, So…what are we going to do about it? And you’re right, Nancy, it kinda pissed me off. Thanks for not letting me wallow in the darkness. She suggested that we just start fresh and start with baby steps. One thing at a time. One breath, one step, one day at a time.
I was talking to another friend today, and she mentioned her grandson and how his learning to walk and her watching him take his baby steps was helping her visualize her goal. She said, and I’m paraphrasing, Sometimes you’re just going along great and then you end up knocked down on your butt. The thing we’ve got to remember, though, is that we’ve got to get back up again. Most of the time I’m too content just staying where I’m at after having the wind knocked out of me. Sometimes it’s just too hard to get back up.
But God calls us as believers to a higher calling, a next level, if you will. This journey that we’re on is our own, but what I forget most of the time is that God is walking it right next to me. He’s put people in my life that have struggled with the same things that I’m struggling with now. He’s put them in my life for me to learn and to love and to be loved so that maybe some day my life will resemble the beautiful life that He’s planned for me and not this broken path that I sometimes cling so hard to.