Ah, the life of a single girl is grand. Tonight I made enough filling for my quesadillas this week to feed an army. Now it looks like I’ll be eating quesadillas for two weeks. I’m not really complaining too much, though. I love em! I’ve always had a hard time trying to figure out proportions. I had just enough of each veggie, but when I put them all together, it was a crazy amount of food! Maybe I need to have a party. I’m not a fan of eating alone. Have I mentioned that before? It really sucks because I eat about 98% of my meals alone. Just something you get used to, I guess.
I have good days and bad days. I am in a really good place emotionally, but there are just some days that it would be nice to have someone come home to to just sit down and have a good conversation with. What I keep thinking, though, is that my focus is off. I shouldn’t have any days that I don’t feel as loved. I was having a texting conversation with a friend earlier, and I was reminded of one of my all-time favorite quotes that I try to live by. There are some days that I’m not quite there, but it’s always my prayer. I can’t remember who said it, but I would put my money on it being Elisabeth Elliott. Anyway, here goes. “A woman’s heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her.” It just sounds like Elisabeth Elliott.
I don’t want to have to put on an act. My friends know my heart, and most of the time know when I’m trying to pull one over on them. They also know to call me out if I’m being a jerk. I love that I can be completely me. No masks, no games…just me. And they’ll love me for me.
I left my Bible at my friends house last night, so this morning I felt really lost without it. I am thankful that I felt lost without it, but I’m sad that I just now realized where it was. It will have to wait till tomorrow, so I’ll miss my morning Bible study again. Bummer. I think my other Bible is still packed away somewhere. Maybe, though, I’ll get lucky and find it before morning!
I’ve been struggling leading music for the last couple weeks. I’m not trying to be a worship leader. I’m trying to be the lead worshipper, but sometimes I feel like people expect us to be putting on a show that they’re just there to watch. It’s gotten to me a little more than usual this week. I’ve just been finding it hard to get to a place of pure and unhindered worship. I don’t know. Maybe my heart isn’t right. It just feels like there’s a heavy Spirit in the room, and I’m not having much luck rising above it. I’m sure that 99.9% of it is in my head and that they’re really worshipping and Satan’s telling me they’re not. At least I hope that’s right.
Needtobreathe has a song called Garden. The lyrics are incredible, and it brings me back to why we’re worshipping. It’s not to give me joy in singing or playing. It’s not to entertain people in church for an hour on Sunday morning. It’s to show our love and adoration to our King. That’s it. Lord, help me get back to that.
Some of the lyrics that stand out the most: “Give me strenght to die to myself so love can live to tell the tale. Let the songs I sing bring joy to You. Let the words I say profess my love. Let the notes I choose by Your favorite tune. And, Father, let my heart be after you.”