So I’m actually sitting here typing this blog waiting on paint to dry so I can see if I need to give it another coat tomorrow or start moving furniture. Now I know how those of you who have been anxiously awaiting a new blog have been feeling. But seriously, I apologize for the long absence. I started moving and painting walls and started working on another little job for a couple hours after work. I’ve been busy, but that’s no excuse. I committed to this blog, and it seems as though I’ve sort of abandoned it.
Last week was a rough week in this Esau Project author’s life. Monday afternoon I got a call that my mom was headed down to Kentucky. My cousin who has been fighting leukemia for the past 7 years was in the hospital and his organs were shutting down. I spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning my house and waiting on the call. It came about 7:30 that evening. He was ready to go, but you’re never ready to let go, are you? I think maybe that’s why we don’t get a choice in this part of our lives, when it comes to death and life and change. Would we ever let go of the past so we can move on?
That Tuesday my grandfather went into the hospital to have back surgery. Wednesday, when my grandmother went to visit him, she was admitted into the hospital because she had a bad case of pneumonia. They were both in the same hospital about an hour away, while my aunt, uncle and cousin were two hours away grieving. I wanted to be both places at the same time, but I couldn’t seem to be anywhere. I tried to work, but my mind wasn’t cooperating with me. I tried to go visit one, but my heart and mind were somewhere else. I wanted to be everywhere, but ended up never really being present anywhere.
The week eventually started getting a little bit better. My cousin, who was 25, was never really one to go with the flow. He charted his own path in life and in death. Thursday was his Celebration of Life service. He didn’t want to have a funeral. He was dancing on the streets of gold in heaven. Let’s celebrate! I knew it would be an emotional service, but it wasn’t the kind of emotion I was expecting. Chris had given his life to Jesus years ago, but I lived two hours away, and really didn’t know how he lived his life. Was he living it in a way that brought glory to God? Person after person got up and testified about the way Chris had been a light shining for Jesus in their lives. It was good for my soul. They also had some incredible music. To be perfectly honest, it was one of the most powerful worship experiences I’d had in a long time. The next day my grandparents were both able to come home from the hospital, both sad that they weren’t able to go to the service for Chris, but both thankful to be home and healthy again.
What struck me about Chris’ life was that even up until his last day, he never gave up. He was still planning his opening of his training facility in Cocoa Beach, Florida the week before. But when it was time to go, he was ready. Right before he passed away he told his nurse, Hey, I’m going home. She looked at him and said, Oh, honey. You can’t go home. He smiled and said, No. You don’t understand. I’m going Home. He was ready to let go of his earthly past for his heavenly eternity. He let go.
How many times are we fighting changes in our lives. It may not be letting go of a loved one, but maybe it’s just completely letting God have control of our lives? If we’re not letting God have complete reign in our lives, are we really living? And if you think we are, are we really living life to the fullest?
I walked away from the celebration of Chris’ life with a renewed fire for this blog. I can talk all I want and write on here all I want, but when it comes right down to it, I’m still compromising. I’m still trading my future for a stinking bowl of soup. Sometimes I try to tell myself that I’m really making the best decisions, too. Do you ever lie to yourself? Do you know what’s right and still do the wrong thing? I don’t have my Bible in front of me right now, but the verse that talks about doing what we don’t want to do and knowing what we should do and not doing it and living in our flesh instead of living by the Spirit.
My only prayer tonight is that we come with ears to hear the whisper of the Spirit in our lives, the hearts to live and love like Jesus and to do the will of God in our lives, to let God have the complete rule and reign in my life. That’s my prayer for me and for you.